Saturday, March 7, 2015

Loss

I have memorized the words
Which I don't understand 
I have debated fiercely 
To veil my ignorance 

I stand for something 
To forget that I am falling
I am ready to sacrifice my life
Which I have never lived

I am ready to kill
Because I am dead inside
I want to destroy 
Because I am afraid of extinction 

I want to protect my culture
Because I do not understand it 
I want to destroy 'their' culture
Because I have not found mine

What am I waiting to happen
To take a pause
Madness has taken over me
And I have gone unstoppable
So that I do not know the truth 

I am searching something
Without knowing what is lost
I speak of truth 
Without knowing what is false

I put on a mask
And go on about
Following the trend 
Pretending everything is all right 





 

Friday, February 27, 2015

Update on dimensions

When I wrote about the 'dimensions' as it appeals to me and the way I used to correlate and extrapolate my own understandings on different topics, I was in a state of glee to be able to put my tenuous understanding in some play of words which barely qualified to be even called sentences. At the time of writing it, I figured out a trend in myself that as soon as I attempted on summarizing my understanding on the subject of the real nature of the the self, mind and consciousness, as soon as I tried to put up the vague and discrete glimpses of understandings into words, the meaning or conclusion with which I started to write itself would fall apart. Even before stating my reasoning which would arrive at a conclusion, I had a feeling that I am being wrong on so many levels.

I used to think that consciousness has some kind of levels which are associated with the complexity of material structure and both, the matter and consciousness are linked in some way. In my understanding, the illusion meant the distorted picture of the reality as perceived by the brain. I used to think that all the conditioning the brain undergoes, does some form of altercations in the way the atoms or molecules are arranged in the brain (literally a twisted mind :D) and the true realization must be a physical process when these 'knots' are somehow undone and one attains a state of perception of reality free from all sorts of prior conditioning. So somehow brain was the ultimate thing of consideration for me. And I imagined a state of complete awareness would mean a full use of the brain to grasp and hold the complete picture. And being able to do this 'task' and being free from the illusion of suffering was the only thing seemed worthy to me. And being engulfed in the day to day activities seemed like a complete waste of life and a strong sense of meaningless which has chased me over the years had finally met me in a corner from where I had no escape routes. I knew very well there are extremely dark corners in my mind where there is a buffet of unlimited twisted realities and hard to escape traps which I had fabricated on my own while 'contemplating' many unnecessary explanations of the 'reality' which are just eternally ready to victimize me and cause intolerable psychological torture. Every little event happening around caused such horrifying reverberations of false interpretations and got coupled with self loathing and I dwelled in that state.
My self image was so pitiful and a sense of conflict drowned me so deep that even with the simplest task of breathing demanded an effort.

When I look back now I see that as a kid I had an above average (compared to my surroundings) ability to grasp, analyse and process the information which made me perform better in school. It was followed by an unreasonable appreciation from my folks which formed a sense of a scholarly pride in me. Slowly there was a creation of self image and it mistook itself for being wise. The grand mistake was to try to assume blindly that the purpose and the meaning of life is understood with the immense analysis and contemplation. Initially it was exhilarating to ponder over things and get amused by small little 'discoveries' you make. However, years and years of obsession and a growing realization of the incapability to 'know it' made life an extremely arduous task. The deep rooted confusion had started to show the impacts in the smallest and most superficial events and decisions in life and soon I was completely wrecked.

Even if I heard it a thousand times before that one can't understand the truth, I never really had understood such a simple thing. However, somehow when it occurred to me that it is not the function of one's thinking to understand the meaning of life, it is not the task that I have to solve with understanding through mind, I do not have to solve the question of life with the help of the intellect, my thinking mind does not have to know the meaning of life, it felt like heavy heavy massive weight equal to that of the Jupiter was lifted from my shoulders and it would cause me to jump with a fucking escape velocity of the whole galaxy. It is not you who is trapped in the circle of suffering but just a play of the mind. This very sentence was also known to me before but maybe when there is an insight which separates the self from the mind, its true meaning of it is conveyed. Its not that I now know what I was looking for, its just a sense that clarified to me that the darkness doesn't belong to me but it is just a some kind of disease that my mind has got. And it is possible to put the attention away from the mind in the presence and stop being dragged in a never ending void.

Also from that it derives that all kinds of judgements, good or bad are simply a product of the mind. For example, if there is insecurity present in the mind, it will create a story to fit to events in life and interpret that you need to do so and so to become more secure. But once you take these measures to feel more secure, the insecurity points at some other things as its cause. Some more commonly occurring dysfunction I observed in the mind is 'what could have been', 'what if this goes wrong', 'what if I spend unsuccessful life'. There are ways also to eliminate these things but its a very big relief to know that there is a possibility to step back and take out your attention from the chattering of  the mind.

So long and thanks for all the fish.

Last line doesn't make sense?

I am so glad it doesn't.

:)







Monday, October 20, 2014

Dimensions



Quite a lot of times, dealing with possibility of the existence of higher dimensions we come across the example of how a two dimensional being like an ant (just an assumption) can be unaware of the third dimension of space and this analogy is extrapolated to make a hypothesis about the higher dimensions there might be which are out of human sense of understanding. Generally when we speak of the three dimensional objects, it’s the three dimensions of space we are talking about. But in reality everything in the physical(1) universe is made up of matter and as matter occupies space, all the matter can be perceived as having three dimensions of space.
Let’s look at the question of higher dimensions from another perspective. If they exist, then we can assume based on the similar analogy of ant example that there cannot be something made of matter that exists only in lower dimensions and not in higher ones. The question remains only to realize it and depends on the awareness or as we say, consciousness of the being.  Among the known life on earth we can assume that human awareness and intelligence is the most complex of all the beings and it can predict the existence of something which is beyond its own perception in normal circumstances and levels of awareness. (2)
The structure of human brain is more complex as compared to animal brains and from this we can deduce that the complexity in the arrangement of matter leads to higher levels of consciousness. That means, lower levels of complexity in the brain structure leads to lower levels of consciousness?(3) If yes, then the simplest arrangements of matter like a crystal structure of atoms of an element, or a stable  molecule formed by sharing a pair electron by two hydrogen atoms can possess the very basic or lower levels of consciousness. So, this way we can think of a relation between the existence of lower and higher dimensions with the lower and higher levels of perception or consciousness. This approach could also lead us to imagine the dimensions to be continues rather than made of steps or quantized. (We see some people who are more aware of their self and emotions than other people?)
The greatest challenge in physics is to understand the nature of this universe, its origin and end, how everything works and so on. The similar objective is aspired by the people walking on the spiritual path also. Both these schools of thoughts try to explain in bits and pieces about the relations between different laws of the universe and make attempts to imagine the whole picture. The universe is made of matter and we are made of matter and we are present in this universe so the similar laws should also be applicable to us, then shouldn’t the capacity lie in the human brain to imagine the whole picture without the help of any external equipments? For instance, with the help of the telescopes and microscopes we are able to look beyond our normal vision but it just gives us a certain range of data in the infinitely(?4) ‘zoom-in and zoom-out able’  universe.  I believe whatever we are able to perceive with our normal senses, this range of data, also should be sufficient to imagine and explain the universe.
So, we could correlate the questions of dimensions and consciousness to our own self. Lets divide the levels of awareness as body, senses, mind and intelligence. These could be said to be in ascending order of awareness. All these things are made out of matter and exist in space but let’s not number them as three dimensions or whatsoever. Now, we know our body is made up of cells, they combine and form tissues, the organs are more complex than cells and tissues etc.  The different organs in the body are alive and doing their function, its hard to imagine the level of consciousness but there has to be a certain level as it is alive and functioning. So they can be said to be at a certain level of dimension or awareness. The five senses we have provide the brain with more information about the outside world and what thus it knows what actions are needed to be taken to be alive and thinking. Now, it sounds pretty vague to define mind as something physical, but, for now let’s assume mind is a lower level of awareness than intelligence. For instance, it can be said to be the part of the brain to hinders the clear thinking and induces emotions like fear, desire, illusions etc.. and intelligence can be said to be something that we possess by which we get over the hindrances created by mind and be more aware and conscious.
Till this level, the highest level of human intelligence, everything is made up of matter. If our brains are made out of matter, shouldn’t the thoughts (5) also be a result of some particle interactions? There is a speculation which I believe to be true that even time arises out of particle interactions and it is one of the properties of matter such as mass and volume. So, can intelligence, in its full function said to be the highest level of dimension or awareness the human beings are capable of realizing without any effort(6)? And as it is the most complex arrangement of matter in the known universe (probably?), then the perception of the world by a human brain in terms of ‘space and time’ can be said to exist in the dimension of intelligence. The ‘intelligence’ dimension helps us to perceive the world and the events in terms of space and time. But, beyond this, the other levels of awareness, are not yet dealt or accepted widely in science such as ‘soul’ (atma),  ‘one soul’ (parmatma), and the ‘ultimate dimension’ (god or parmeshwar) and are mostly discussed in spiritual school of thoughts. These are said to be made not out of matter (and hence consciousness). But again, everything existing in universe should exist in all the dimensions present in it. So shouldn’t there be a function inside the brain by which it should be possible to realize and expand the awareness to the ultimate (human) truth and be not bound anymore to the properties of matter such as time, thoughts, identity, ego etc? We read in many ancient texts about the enlightenment and being one with god? If it is possible, shouldn’t it be then a ‘physical process’ as it is happening through our brain itself?
One of the classical questions about ‘free will’ discusses that if everything in the universe happens because of particle interactions, our thoughts and actions also, and these interactions seem random, then do we have a free will or not? Can this question be answered by placing our identity on a higher level than we usually do? I mean, we identify ourselves as the  thinking brain, taking decisions, making voluntary actions etc, but If we identify ourselves as a soul which is not made out of matter, we could see that everything what is happening in the brain is because of some form of conditioning or programming it has undergone (maybe through generation) and some form of logic is stored In it to interpret the stimuli and act according to it. So could we say its not really us that has a free will or not, but it’s the intelligence, the instincts (7).
Moreover, restricting the identity to a soul should also could be a hindrance to realize the higher dimension of ‘one soul’ as it is discussed in spirituality? Can we extend the one human body and one soul logic? Human body is matter and soul is not. In similar way can the matter in the whole universe be a ‘body’ and can there be a soul of the universe which has fragmented and got stuck in smaller and smaller identities or egos? It is possible to imagine it then shouldn’t it also possible to realize it? Shouldn’t everything imaginable be realizable? We can’t imagine a color that doesn’t exist or a shape that doesn’t exist!  All the matter in the body is somehow linked together; in a similar way can all the matter in the universe be linked together somehow? On atomic level, there is mostly space / vacuum present everywhere.. so isn’t the whole universe like a scattered matter, scattered alive matter that sometimes forms stars, sometimes cats and sometimes traveling at very high speed which we call light? Let’s say not everything matters but everything in fact is matter!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Abyss

I remember reading somewhere about a good advise to come up with something. It says about filling up the volume of work after which you start to see your work taking some shape. In my personal experience, this also goes with your thinking. Everyone is in a constant process of making their own understanding of this world, universe and themselves. I have seen myself thinking about purpose, reason and the whole meaning of existence since I was is school (maybe around 14/15) and there has been tremendous amount of churning of thoughts ever since. Sometimes when I got some new insights and understanding of the world and self, through philosophy, science, religious texts or discussions with other people, it was exciting. Then there has been number of times full of despair and loss of reason. The whole existence seemed just futile and things happening as haywire with no laws attached to them. Somewhere in my mind I knew that this is a phase of crisis which I have to pass through, even if it means examining the same thoughts with no new insights again and again and even if I was feeling I am being drowned more and more into my own construction of abstract and useless philosophy. One of the things I came across today while checking the old drafts goes like...


Even Zaphod Beeblebrox fails today to pull me out of this despair, to pull me out of the unending quest of the   profound whose existence I have started to doubt. I remember so many hours of discussions, contemplation about the human reason, its purpose and everything else and even the need of an individual to ponder over these things.

Is the ultimate longing of a human being is to get a larger perspective? Are we destined to struggle and fail at comprehending the limitless possibilities and probabilities of existence? Its like through the whole journey of life you knew what it was but still you wasted your time searching for it? Why do we constantly have to torture our i.....

Maybe more than three years have passed since I was writing the above things. Today I could find a profound difference between my thoughts then and now. I don't claim to have become all knowing all of a sudden, still I can see more clarity towards the path I want to walk in my life. And if someone is reading, I would say do not give up doing anything you like because it looks fruitless or useless. Whether it be daydreaming, dancing, watching moon, thinking, just sitting, reading 'useless' things etc.. because I believe the only thing matters is commitment and whole heart. For anything. The magic exists and it starts to make wonders after you have done your time. And after that there is no worrying for the 'useless' things like success/failure, useful/useless, whether is not is the thing you like is going to bring you anything good... One thing I can say I have learnt is that the biggest secrets of the universe are revealed through everything that is there in the universe. Just pour your heart to something and let the joy pour itself on you :)









Friday, July 4, 2014

Chaos

I recently watched a documentary in which a guy was explaining how the perception of India as 'chaotic' (which is not hundred percent wrong, I will come to it later) is limited and there are other factors needed to take into account to get a complete picture of it. I, as Indian, when living in India never felt it to be chaotic (of course?!) unless it was 'brought to attention' by media which is largely influenced by a western perspective. According to this guy, to which I agree, the main necessity to create order and uniformity is exclusion. Exclusion of the things, people, plants, animals which are a hurdle in making an order. The aim in west is to maintain uniformity. Uniformity of economy, ways of living, things you wear, your cars, rules, mindsets and so.. Unfortunately (according to western truth) and fortunately (for a better world), in India the principal thought is 'inclusion'. The ideal ruler here is expected to deny the rights to no one based on any apparent form of difference.. ethnic, economic, cultural etc..

I am not saying that things going on in India are perfect and don't need change but we have to consider that we are trying to accommodate the structure which in its basic nature made of small independent units into a centralized system of control which is against our nature. 

Nothing in its physical form defies the belief systems and instinctive nature of the people. We are a polytheistic culture. We know there is only one truth and also know that everyone can't have or rather can't be forced to walk on the same path. Similarly establishing a central truth, central capitalistic system of control is against our nature. We are truly global and we have to realize that. As Gandhiji had said we need to move towards villages. We need to make small independent and sustaining units chained together with one common purpose as reflected in our way of living, our society is made of small independent sects which are a part of a bigger picture. 

It is immensely regretful that structure we desire to build now was already known to exist in ancient civilizations and how the self proclaiming 'modern' capitalistic and no tolerance oriented myopic civilizations brought nothing but doom to the mankind. But nevertheless now we have seen and known how things work and I have a faith that we will start the change from ourselves to try to be truly global. Not to compete but collaborate, not to dominate but grow together, being independent and still be together, to make a nation which is capable of making a remarkable example of being truly global. 

Why

It was the time when
we used to walk looking down
Passing each other we would sense
that we belong together

The wait till the thunder storms
to have our time
that glance into eyes
showing the flashes of the
infinite and timeless

Then it was addiction
to not look apart
Soul drunk on poison
and drenched in the rain

We had to stop
for it was too much
to live

The rain had to stop
love had to part
for the universe
to move on




Singularity
The most stable state where everything ceases
The divine love takes us back to it
It is liberation
But now, the universe and I both
have expanded so much

The journey back there is long
Beautiful but not easy
Getting back there is exciting and scary
Its death
Death of your ego
Surrender to infinity

I have the I and the ego
as my master
That's why we are scared
Because love is death