When I wrote about the 'dimensions' as it appeals to me and the way I used to correlate and extrapolate my own understandings on different topics, I was in a state of glee to be able to put my tenuous understanding in some play of words which barely qualified to be even called sentences. At the time of writing it, I figured out a trend in myself that as soon as I attempted on summarizing my understanding on the subject of the real nature of the the self, mind and consciousness, as soon as I tried to put up the vague and discrete glimpses of understandings into words, the meaning or conclusion with which I started to write itself would fall apart. Even before stating my reasoning which would arrive at a conclusion, I had a feeling that I am being wrong on so many levels.
I used to think that consciousness has some kind of levels which are associated with the complexity of material structure and both, the matter and consciousness are linked in some way. In my understanding, the illusion meant the distorted picture of the reality as perceived by the brain. I used to think that all the conditioning the brain undergoes, does some form of altercations in the way the atoms or molecules are arranged in the brain (literally a twisted mind :D) and the true realization must be a physical process when these 'knots' are somehow undone and one attains a state of perception of reality free from all sorts of prior conditioning. So somehow brain was the ultimate thing of consideration for me. And I imagined a state of complete awareness would mean a full use of the brain to grasp and hold the complete picture. And being able to do this 'task' and being free from the illusion of suffering was the only thing seemed worthy to me. And being engulfed in the day to day activities seemed like a complete waste of life and a strong sense of meaningless which has chased me over the years had finally met me in a corner from where I had no escape routes. I knew very well there are extremely dark corners in my mind where there is a buffet of unlimited twisted realities and hard to escape traps which I had fabricated on my own while 'contemplating' many unnecessary explanations of the 'reality' which are just eternally ready to victimize me and cause intolerable psychological torture. Every little event happening around caused such horrifying reverberations of false interpretations and got coupled with self loathing and I dwelled in that state.
My self image was so pitiful and a sense of conflict drowned me so deep that even with the simplest task of breathing demanded an effort.
When I look back now I see that as a kid I had an above average (compared to my surroundings) ability to grasp, analyse and process the information which made me perform better in school. It was followed by an unreasonable appreciation from my folks which formed a sense of a scholarly pride in me. Slowly there was a creation of self image and it mistook itself for being wise. The grand mistake was to try to assume blindly that the purpose and the meaning of life is understood with the immense analysis and contemplation. Initially it was exhilarating to ponder over things and get amused by small little 'discoveries' you make. However, years and years of obsession and a growing realization of the incapability to 'know it' made life an extremely arduous task. The deep rooted confusion had started to show the impacts in the smallest and most superficial events and decisions in life and soon I was completely wrecked.
Even if I heard it a thousand times before that one can't understand the truth, I never really had understood such a simple thing. However, somehow when it occurred to me that it is not the function of one's thinking to understand the meaning of life, it is not the task that I have to solve with understanding through mind, I do not have to solve the question of life with the help of the intellect, my thinking mind does not have to know the meaning of life, it felt like heavy heavy massive weight equal to that of the Jupiter was lifted from my shoulders and it would cause me to jump with a fucking escape velocity of the whole galaxy. It is not you who is trapped in the circle of suffering but just a play of the mind. This very sentence was also known to me before but maybe when there is an insight which separates the self from the mind, its true meaning of it is conveyed. Its not that I now know what I was looking for, its just a sense that clarified to me that the darkness doesn't belong to me but it is just a some kind of disease that my mind has got. And it is possible to put the attention away from the mind in the presence and stop being dragged in a never ending void.
Also from that it derives that all kinds of judgements, good or bad are simply a product of the mind. For example, if there is insecurity present in the mind, it will create a story to fit to events in life and interpret that you need to do so and so to become more secure. But once you take these measures to feel more secure, the insecurity points at some other things as its cause. Some more commonly occurring dysfunction I observed in the mind is 'what could have been', 'what if this goes wrong', 'what if I spend unsuccessful life'. There are ways also to eliminate these things but its a very big relief to know that there is a possibility to step back and take out your attention from the chattering of the mind.
So long and thanks for all the fish.
Last line doesn't make sense?
I am so glad it doesn't.
:)
I used to think that consciousness has some kind of levels which are associated with the complexity of material structure and both, the matter and consciousness are linked in some way. In my understanding, the illusion meant the distorted picture of the reality as perceived by the brain. I used to think that all the conditioning the brain undergoes, does some form of altercations in the way the atoms or molecules are arranged in the brain (literally a twisted mind :D) and the true realization must be a physical process when these 'knots' are somehow undone and one attains a state of perception of reality free from all sorts of prior conditioning. So somehow brain was the ultimate thing of consideration for me. And I imagined a state of complete awareness would mean a full use of the brain to grasp and hold the complete picture. And being able to do this 'task' and being free from the illusion of suffering was the only thing seemed worthy to me. And being engulfed in the day to day activities seemed like a complete waste of life and a strong sense of meaningless which has chased me over the years had finally met me in a corner from where I had no escape routes. I knew very well there are extremely dark corners in my mind where there is a buffet of unlimited twisted realities and hard to escape traps which I had fabricated on my own while 'contemplating' many unnecessary explanations of the 'reality' which are just eternally ready to victimize me and cause intolerable psychological torture. Every little event happening around caused such horrifying reverberations of false interpretations and got coupled with self loathing and I dwelled in that state.
My self image was so pitiful and a sense of conflict drowned me so deep that even with the simplest task of breathing demanded an effort.
When I look back now I see that as a kid I had an above average (compared to my surroundings) ability to grasp, analyse and process the information which made me perform better in school. It was followed by an unreasonable appreciation from my folks which formed a sense of a scholarly pride in me. Slowly there was a creation of self image and it mistook itself for being wise. The grand mistake was to try to assume blindly that the purpose and the meaning of life is understood with the immense analysis and contemplation. Initially it was exhilarating to ponder over things and get amused by small little 'discoveries' you make. However, years and years of obsession and a growing realization of the incapability to 'know it' made life an extremely arduous task. The deep rooted confusion had started to show the impacts in the smallest and most superficial events and decisions in life and soon I was completely wrecked.
Even if I heard it a thousand times before that one can't understand the truth, I never really had understood such a simple thing. However, somehow when it occurred to me that it is not the function of one's thinking to understand the meaning of life, it is not the task that I have to solve with understanding through mind, I do not have to solve the question of life with the help of the intellect, my thinking mind does not have to know the meaning of life, it felt like heavy heavy massive weight equal to that of the Jupiter was lifted from my shoulders and it would cause me to jump with a fucking escape velocity of the whole galaxy. It is not you who is trapped in the circle of suffering but just a play of the mind. This very sentence was also known to me before but maybe when there is an insight which separates the self from the mind, its true meaning of it is conveyed. Its not that I now know what I was looking for, its just a sense that clarified to me that the darkness doesn't belong to me but it is just a some kind of disease that my mind has got. And it is possible to put the attention away from the mind in the presence and stop being dragged in a never ending void.
Also from that it derives that all kinds of judgements, good or bad are simply a product of the mind. For example, if there is insecurity present in the mind, it will create a story to fit to events in life and interpret that you need to do so and so to become more secure. But once you take these measures to feel more secure, the insecurity points at some other things as its cause. Some more commonly occurring dysfunction I observed in the mind is 'what could have been', 'what if this goes wrong', 'what if I spend unsuccessful life'. There are ways also to eliminate these things but its a very big relief to know that there is a possibility to step back and take out your attention from the chattering of the mind.
So long and thanks for all the fish.
Last line doesn't make sense?
I am so glad it doesn't.
:)
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